Oregon on Trial for Crimes Against Humanity
Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Chicken Little presiding.
Prosecutor Rooster Booster: “We the People charge the State of Oregon with Crimes Against Humanity. The prosecution will show that the State has caused pain, suffering and irreparable harm to the people of Oregon, violated their civil rights and engaged in racketeering for the benefit of the pharmaceutical industry.”
Judge Chicken Little: “How does the State plead?
Defense Attorney Salem Nümbnutz: “Not guilty, your honor!”
Booster: “The prosecution calls the first defendant to the stand, Governor Katherine Brown. Governor Brown? Governor Brown?”
Nümbnutz: “The Governor isn’t here, Judge. She doesn’t make personal appearances. She hasn’t been seen in public for months. However, she will testify by Zoom call.”
Prosecutor Booster turns on a laptop placed on the table before him and the image of a tight lipped, dour-faced shrew appears on a wall-mounted screen.
Bailiff Chucky-Ducky: “Katherine Brown, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
Gov. Brown: “Why aren’t there more marginalized, disenfranchised, underserved People of Color on that jury? All I see are white supremacists! I demand equity in this trial!”
Booster: “Those are the members of the press, Governor. This isn’t a jury trial.”
Gov. Brown: “I hope Fox isn’t here!”
Judge Chicken Little: “Mr. Fox is in Salem, guarding the hen house. Now, do you swear to tell the truth?”
Governor Brown: “I am not nor have I ever been a member of the Republican Party.”
Judge Chicken Little: “I should hold you in contempt, but I’d have to get in line, and it’s a pretty long line. Proceed.”
Booster: “Governor Brown, Oregon received $47,707,000,000 in federal coronavirus funding. That’s $11,311 for every man, woman and child in Oregon.”
Governor Brown: “I hope that included undocumented immigrants.”
Booster ignores her. “How was this money spent? Did you increase the number of hospital beds? Did you hire more doctors and nurses? Did you fund research on early intervention therapies for Covid? Did you get unemployment checks out to people who lost their jobs? What about all the businesses you closed?”
Gov. Brown (stiffly): “We focused all our efforts on prevention.”
Booster: “The prosecution presents Exhibit A.” He holds up a large display of an alarming graphic.
Booster: “By prevention, you mean you paid AKS Design to terrify the people of Oregon with frightening billboards that said things like “If you stay home, fewer people die.”
Gov. Brown: “Saving lives!!”
Booster: “You also spent tens of millions of dollars on advertising to promote experimental vaccines you said were ‘safe and effective’, a claim even the pharmaceutical makers cannot legally make. You spent these millions to push vaccines and set up vaccine clinics. You paid models to pose as rural Oregonians who liked getting jabbed and wearing masks. You bought time on social media and television. OHA even advertised on YouTube channels that were against vaccines! It kind of looks like Pfizer didn’t have to spend a dime on advertising when they had you in their pocket.”
Gov. Brown: “Let me clear, I only got $15,000 from Pfizer! The unions kicked in 20 times that much. I got $100,000 from the teachers!”
Booster: “You also suppressed any information that would lead to vaccine hesitancy so that Oregonians thought they had only one option to fight Covid. And then you mandated that teachers, police, firefighters, EMTs, doctors, nurses and some state workers get vaccinated or lose their jobs? And yet, isn’t it true that you once told Oregonians everybody has the right to make their own medical decisions? Did that apply only to abortions?”
Nümbnutz: “Objection! He’s humiliating the defendant!”
Judge Chicken Little: “Overruled. The defendant wore a snow globe Christmas mask. She’s not capable of humiliation.”
Booster: “Thank you, Judge! This is a good time to introduce Exhibit B. I offer more proof the defendant is not capable of humiliation.”
Prosecutor Booster shows the judge a large image of Kate Brown wearing a leather jacket, plaid kilt skirt and black leggings. There’s an loud gasp in the courtroom.
“I’m prepared to call an expert witness who will identify this fashion crime as ‘Hot Topic 2003’”
Judge Chicken Little: “That won’t be necessary.”
Booster: “In that case, let’s turn to the schools, which the defendant closed from March 2020 until the fall of 2021. And even now some are still closing. Governor Brown, when you finally reopened the schools, you made all those small children wear masks, even though we know cloth masks can’t block a virus and masks can cause facial rashes, become traps for disease-carrying pathogens, cause hypoxia, impede nonverbal communication, and retard speech, cognitive, and social development.”
Gov. Brown: “We wouldn’t have gotten $ 114,639,452 from the federal government in ESSER money if masks didn’t work! They’ve proven highly effective in keeping funding streams alive.”
Booster: “And you have no children of your own, is that correct? And you never raised children?”
Numbnuts: “Objection! The prosecution is tarnishing the Governor’s reputation!”
Booster (stands up, shouting): “She’s the least popular Governor in America! Number 50, for cryin’ out loud!”
Judge Chicken Little: “He has a point.”
Booster: “Thank you, Judge. Let’s turn to your indoor mask rules. You told Oregonians you were a firm believer in face masks. Your Honor, I’d like to introduce this PSA produced by the intern that does all the Tweeting for Governor Brown.”
Booster: “So you told Oregonians how important masks are, but then you were photographed partying without a mask in Washington D.C. And also socializing with a group of female governors and Kamala Harris.”
Gov. Brown: “That’s not fair! We were actively eating and posing for groupies.”
Booster(snarls): “While Oregon schoolchildren were eating their lunch outside on buckets, six feet apart, in the freezing cold. I guess you were also holding your breath.”
Gov. Brown (smiles, muttering): “I save that for Gretchen.”
Booster: “You’re not on mute, you know.”
Judge Chicken Little: “The court will not strike that remark. We might want to call Gretchen Whitmer to testify later.”
Booster (rolls eyes): “Let’s hope not. Governor, I’d like to turn to the events of early 2020. You locked everybody down … ”
Gov. Brown (interrupting): “Not everybody! I let over a thousand victims of systemic racism out of prison. There!”
Booster: “We aren’t talking about prisoners. We’re talking about all the businesses you forced to close. You even closed playgrounds and parks.”
Gov. Brown: “We had to flatten the curve. You can’t get Covid if you have nowhere to go. Oregon has one of the lowest death rates in America.”
Booster: “Actually it’s pretty close to Sweden’s rate, and they never shut businesses or closed schools. But in Oregon thousands of businesses were forced to close. Some never reopened. Hundreds of thousands of Oregonians were suddenly unemployed but your incompetent administration failed to send out unemployment checks in time. Some workers waited for months without getting a check. The computer system was antiquated and you had money to fix it, but failed to do so.”
Gov. Brown: “We made up for that later…”
Booster: “Yes! After Oregon reopened you paid hundreds of thousands of people not to work. You also let them dodge their rent payments. Businesses struggling to get back on their feet couldn’t find workers and landlords didn’t get the income they need to maintain properties as required by law. You made a real mess.”
Gov. Brown: “Delta was a game-changer!”
Booster: “That’s little solace for …”
Gov. Brown (interrupts): “Omicron was a game-changer!”
Judge Chicken Little: “I think we’ve heard enough testimony for today. I’m calling a recess until tomorrow when the court will call Dr. Dean Sidelinger to the stand. Court is adjourned.”
. . . to be continued
Disclaimer: This blog is satire.
Source for the funding numbers:
https://www.pgpf.org/understanding-the-coronavirus-crisis/coronavirus-funding-state-by-state#state-budget-tool
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You got my hopes up with that title, but I’ll forgive you since you delivered on humor ;-)